Canada to Unleash Its Cyber Army

OTTAWA (The Incorrect Broadcast) — As the world quickly becomes more and more connected online, countries are responding with cyber armies to not only repel cyber attacks but to launch them as well. Russia and North Korea have long been seen as global cyber threats and their recent attacks on the US and around the world have escalated Internet security fears. But thankfully the world might have an answer… Canada.

The Canadian government is drafting legislation that would allow its spy agencies the power to launch their own attacks. The announcement as put the world on notice… Canada has spy agencies?

“Our spy agencies are so secretive Canadians don’t even know we have them. That’s one of the perks of Canadians only watching American TV. They have no idea how our government works.” Stated Claude Lacroix, one of Canada’s top cyber security experts.

Although the details are few right now, the legislation highlights how Canada would determine whom to attack as well as how. These offensive abilities range from simple warnings like adding “u” to words like honor, humor, and favorite, to mid level responses like adding the word “sorry” to the end of all foreign government press releases, all the way to more extreme online attack of changing the spelling of “a” to “EH”. As one grinning Canadian official stated, “Wikipedia is going to be a mess.”

Regardless of the threat and the subsequent global mocking, Canada seems prepared to impose their cyber will on anyone who dares to attack, embarrass, or mock Canadian interests at home or abroad.

When asked how soon Canadian spy agencies would be able to strike, CEHnEHdEHin officiEHls were quick to point out how eEHsy it will be for their EHgents to EHttEHck key sites online. So tEHke notice eEHrth, CEHnEHdEH meEHns business, sorry.