5 Time Saving Alternatives to Exercising

Sweating is gross. Unless it's the meat sweats. Those sweats are delicious. Who has time to exercise today with all the social media scrolling, Netflix binging, and online shopping? Now, don't get me wrong, looking great is important! It's the only way to properly judge someone.

Exercise. It’s an incredible pain, literally and physically. The whole process of joining a gym rife with initiation ceremonies and hoop jumping just so you can give them your hard-earned money every month to not show up. The gym is essentially a modern-day torture chamber. It’s a den of pain. It’s a smelly world full of crazy looking machines, people who are so muscular they look like they have toddlers strapped to their arms and legs, and the room is full of the haunting sounds of people straining as they desperately try not to die. Remember, you’re born fit, or you’re not. That’s why fit people’s sweat smells like sandalwood and vanilla, whereas the rest of the world’s sweat reeks of desperation and false hope.

We’ve all heard the merits of working out: the endorphin rush, the boost in self-confidence and self-esteem, the ability to set and accomplish goals, the mental grit it develops, and the overall increase in the quality of Life. But at what cost? Have you ever worked out? You can’t move like a normal human for two days after exercising. My mom can outrun a person after they workout. How is that being in “shape”? A flight of stairs might as well be Mount Everest, getting off the toilet can take over ten minutes, and washing your hair feels like your arms are made of cinder blocks. Say your house was on fire and it was the day after a hard leg workout. You’d never make it out of the house alive. The point is Fitness can and will kill you.

Now, don’t worry. I’m not saying it’s not important to look good. It’s incredibly important. It’s the only way to judge someone properly. I’d argue however that there are better ways to achieve the same results without all the hopeless time spent exercising and shopping for organic free-range Tibetan almonds, which you’re only meant to suck on to boost your metabolism and sell for $23 a pound.

So, what can you do instead? Here are five-time saving alternatives to exercise:

1. Plastic Surgery

Today, plastic surgery has never been more accessible and affordable. It doesn’t matter what you want to change about yourself; there’s a plastic surgeon that’s ready to take your money to make it happen. You can either spend six months at the gym or six hours with the plastic surgeon. Choose wisely.

2. Instagram Apps

We already live online so why waste time in reality when all you need to do is download some apps and completely transform yourself instantly? In ten minutes you can go from boring regular you to the perfect version of you with over one hundred likes. You can either kill yourself frantically trying to burn a thousand calories or gain a thousand followers without breaking a sweat in bed.

3. Form-Fitting Fashion

Thankfully science isn’t just for discovering things no one cares about anymore. The innovation in space-age technologies and new synthetic materials have helped the fashion industry develop new lines of clothing that tuck, support, pad, and manipulate your figure into the exact shape you want. It’s never been easier to not look like you! The future’s today!

4. Diet Pills

Why waste time working on your body when all you need is the strength to open a childproof bottle of pills. Simply, pop a couple of miracle tick tacks and wash it down with a Redbull and sit back and let the magic of the pharmaceutical industry take care of the rest. And no need to worry about those silly side effects like bleeding eyes, crippling stomach cramping, or death, because there are pills for the side effects too! Game. Set. Match. Mediocrity.

5. Money

Money is far superior to being healthy, and thankfully the world has never seen such a rise in people who are only interested in materialistic things. It’s the Golden Age of Superficiality! That’s why rich people have hot significant others and fit people are too tired, sore, and annoying to date.

Look, there are all sorts of effective and timely ways to cut corners to give the illusion of being fit. In this age of social media and instant impressions, we don’t have the luxury of wasting time on a treadmill, doing Pilates, or trying a cross-fit class. You need to be seen looking great immediately. So, save the yoga pants for what they were designed for: going to the store to get chips and lounging on the couch because no one on their deathbed has ever said, “I should have eaten more broccoli.”

Rob NardecchiaComment