Adult Rob vs Toddler Rob vs Bedtime
This is just one of the many conversations I have with myself when trying to convince "Toddler Rob" it's time for bed.
Adult Rob: Okay, Rob. Time for bed.
Toddler Rob: No.
Adult Rob: Yes. Yes it is. We have to get up at 445am for work.
Toddler Rob: You do.
Adult Rob: I know I do. So do you. That’s why we need to go to bed—
Toddler Rob: No I don’t.
Adult Rob: You don’t have to get up tomorrow?
Toddler Rob: Nope.
Adult Rob: How do you figure?
Toddler Rob: Because work is your problem. Not mine.
Adult Rob: It’s my problem?
Toddler Rob: I don’t want to work.
Adult Rob: Well that must be nice.
Toddler Rob: It is.
Adult Rob: Well, what do you want to do instead of work?
Toddler Rob: Batman.
Adult Rob: You want to Batman?
Toddler Rob: Yup. I wanna Batman.
Adult Rob: I have no idea what that means.
Toddler Rob: It means you Batman! Gawd, you’re so lame.
Adult Rob: I’m not lame!
Toddler Rob: Yes, you are.
Adult Rob: Look, just because it’s 815pm and I want to go to bed doesn’t make me lame!
Toddler Rob: This is why you’re single.
Adult Rob: What? How does this make me single?
Toddler Rob: You make vanilla look like chocolate.
Adult Rob: No. No. NO! I’m not having this conversation again. Look we just have to be in bed. We don’t have to be asleep. We’re just lying down.
Toddler Rob: What are we going to do then?
Adult Rob: We can read or plan our day tomorrow or do some goal visualization or meditate —
Toddler Rob: BBBOOORING!
Adult Rob: This is how you be an adult.
Toddler Rob: This is how you die alone.
Adult Rob: Okay, that’s just hurtful.
Toddler Rob: Not sorry.
Adult Rob: Look, Bruce is sleeping.
Toddler Rob: He’s a dog. And he’s old.
Adult Rob: Yes, but he’s… Fine he’s old… You know what? Enough! We’re going to bed right now!
(20 minutes later lying in bed…)
Adult Rob: See? This isn’t so bad.
Toddler Rob: Clowns.
Adult Rob: Clowns?
Toddler Rob: Did you check under the bed for Clowns?
Adult Rob: There are no Clowns under the bed.
Toddler Rob: How do you know?
Adult Rob: Cause I do.
(Silent pause)
Toddler Rob: Clowns come out at night.
Adult Rob: How do you know that?
Toddler Rob: YouTube.
Adult Rob: You don’t get facts from YouTube. Clowns are just people and they sleep at night.
Toddler Rob: Clowns eat people at night.
Adult Rob: This is a stupid conversation. Good night.
(Turns off light)
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(Strange scratching noise outside)
Toddler Rob: Did you just hear something? I bet it’s a Clown…
Adult Rob: It’s not a Clown! It’s just a raccoon outside.
Toddler Rob: Raccoons are Clown bloodhounds.
Adult Rob: What?
Toddler Rob: Clowns use Raccoons to hunt people to eat. That’s why they’re always wearing masks so you don’t know what they really look like.
Adult Rob: Where did you learn that? And don’t say YouTube!
Toddler Rob: We’re so going to die tonight because you were too chicken to check under the bed for Clowns.
Adult Rob: We’re not going to die!
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(2am still awake staring at the ceiling)
Adult Rob: I hate you.
Toddler Rob: Can we order a pizza?
Adult Rob: … (Sighs)… Yes.