Adult Rob vs Toddler Rob vs Bedtime

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This is just one of the many conversations I have with myself when trying to convince "Toddler Rob" it's time for bed. 

Adult Rob: Okay, Rob. Time for bed.

Toddler Rob: No.

Adult Rob: Yes. Yes it is. We have to get up at 445am for work.

Toddler Rob: You do.

Adult Rob: I know I do. So do you. That’s why we need to go to bed—

Toddler Rob: No I don’t.

Adult Rob: You don’t have to get up tomorrow?

Toddler Rob: Nope.

Adult Rob: How do you figure?

Toddler Rob: Because work is your problem. Not mine.

Adult Rob: It’s my problem?

Toddler Rob: I don’t want to work.

Adult Rob: Well that must be nice.

Toddler Rob: It is.

Adult Rob: Well, what do you want to do instead of work?

Toddler Rob: Batman.

Adult Rob: You want to Batman?

Toddler Rob: Yup. I wanna Batman.

Adult Rob: I have no idea what that means.

Toddler Rob: It means you Batman! Gawd, you’re so lame.

Adult Rob: I’m not lame!

Toddler Rob: Yes, you are.

Adult Rob: Look, just because it’s 815pm and I want to go to bed doesn’t make me lame!

Toddler Rob: This is why you’re single.

Adult Rob: What? How does this make me single?

Toddler Rob: You make vanilla look like chocolate.

Adult Rob: No. No. NO! I’m not having this conversation again. Look we just have to be in bed. We don’t have to be asleep. We’re just lying down.

Toddler Rob: What are we going to do then?

Adult Rob: We can read or plan our day tomorrow or do some goal visualization or meditate —

Toddler Rob: BBBOOORING!

Adult Rob: This is how you be an adult.

Toddler Rob: This is how you die alone.

Adult Rob: Okay, that’s just hurtful. 

Toddler Rob: Not sorry.

Adult Rob: Look, Bruce is sleeping.

Toddler Rob: He’s a dog. And he’s old.

Adult Rob: Yes, but he’s… Fine he’s old… You know what? Enough! We’re going to bed right now!

(20 minutes later lying in bed…)

Adult Rob: See? This isn’t so bad.

Toddler Rob: Clowns.

Adult Rob: Clowns?

Toddler Rob: Did you check under the bed for Clowns?

Adult Rob: There are no Clowns under the bed.

Toddler Rob: How do you know?

Adult Rob: Cause I do.

(Silent pause)

Toddler Rob: Clowns come out at night.

Adult Rob: How do you know that?

Toddler Rob: YouTube.

Adult Rob: You don’t get facts from YouTube. Clowns are just people and they sleep at night.

Toddler Rob: Clowns eat people at night.

Adult Rob: This is a stupid conversation. Good night.

(Turns off light)


(Strange scratching noise outside)

Toddler Rob: Did you just hear something? I bet it’s a Clown…

Adult Rob: It’s not a Clown! It’s just a raccoon outside.

Toddler Rob: Raccoons are Clown bloodhounds.

Adult Rob: What?

Toddler Rob: Clowns use Raccoons to hunt people to eat. That’s why they’re always wearing masks so you don’t know what they really look like.

Adult Rob: Where did you learn that? And don’t say YouTube!

Toddler Rob: We’re so going to die tonight because you were too chicken to check under the bed for Clowns.

Adult Rob: We’re not going to die!







(2am still awake staring at the ceiling)

Adult Rob: I hate you.

Toddler Rob: Can we order a pizza?

Adult Rob: … (Sighs)…  Yes.